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So this one day I
was late in getting to math class. To be honest, it wasn’t even my fault. I was
on my way to class and the Vice Principal was walking down the hallway in front
of me. He was the one that people got sent to when they were in trouble. He
always wore dress pants and a sweater and a bow tie. What a joke, who wears bow
ties except for vice principals that aren’t quit good enough to be a the real
principal!
I was kind of snickering to myself because I was watching his butt wiggle as he walked. He had this weird thing going on that when he took a step with his right foot his hips looked like he was walking like a lady. But then when he took a step with his left foot, he went back to being a man. It was way weird, and well worth making fun of between you and your friends, only I was alone at the time so I only had me to snicker with.
So I’m walking
behind Wiggle Butt Johnson when something goes whizzing past my head and hit
the VP in the back of his head and stuck, for stink’s sake! He puts his hand up
to his head and finds that a piece of purple gum was now fully stuck in his
hair. Spinning around to see who had done the deed, his eyes fall on me! Stink!
There were like a thousand other stupid kids all around me, but he decides it
had to be me that had thrown the gum at him.
So he walks right up
to me and gets all in my face and starts chewing me out… no pun intended, but
that’s what he does! He just starts asking me who I thought I was and what my
name was and if I like the idea of spending the rest of my life in detention
and all this stupid stuff. To be honest, I got all mad at him for blaming me.
After all, I just happened to be there!
So then for the next
few minutes I tried to convince him that I didn’t do it, but he wasn’t buying
it. Fact is, I would have been crucified if I hadn’t remembered that I had just
finished a bag of peanuts. My mom was always sending a bag of peanuts for a
snack. You cant do that anymore. You know, send bags of peanuts to school any
more. Everyone is afraid of those stupid peanut allergies. Some dumb kid gets
all puffy at the site of peanuts and that’s the end of peanut butter sandwiches
and little snack bags that moms send with their kids so they don’t starve to
death before lunch. I hate peanut allergies.
So I told him to
smell my breath. You know, because I had just ate that snack. That would prove
that it wasn’t me. After eying me suspiciously, he leaned over and gave my
breath a whiff. I wish he had a peanut allergy right then and puffed up.
But I wasn’t lucky enough for Wiggle Butt to be allergic to peanuts. Sure
enough, I was in the clear because there wasn’t even a hint of grape in my
breath. So I was free to go after he told me to keep my nose clean.
But by now the bell
had rung and I was late and I was mad. Now, I wasn’t totally late. Stink, I was
like ninety-five stupid seconds late, or something like that, and the teacher
is just looking over the class for attendance when I stepped in through the
door. So Mr. Boardman, he was the math teacher and had this big birthmark
across his bald forehead like Gorbichev, you know, the guy that used to be the
President of Russia… anyhow, he calls me out just as I got like three steps
into the classroom.
“Mr. Woods, you are
late.”
He was always
calling to us like that, “Mr. Woods…” or “Miss Smith…” as if we would feel more
respected or something like that. I always thought it was just plain old
stupid. Plus he would always point out the completely obvious like it was some
kind of breaking news story or something. I knew I was late. The whole stupid
class knew I was late. And there was Mr. Boardman with his big stupid birthmark
making the most obvious statement ever. And it really bugged me. Not to mention
that I was still mad about VP Johnson. So instead of saying sorry or just
keeping my mouth shut like my mother always advised, “If you don’t have
anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” No, I completely ignored
Mom’s advice.
I said, “No da, Einstein.”
Man, you could
actually hear a couple of the other kids just gasp. I mean, I never talked like
that to anyone. I mean, I was the Preacher’s kid, and there I was smarting off
to the teacher, for stink’s sake!
“What did you say?”
And here was another
opportunity to turn things around, but I thought going from bad to worse wasn’t
all that bad of an idea. Especially when everyone was now watching me. I had to
go to the next level.
“I said, ‘No da.’ I
know I’m late because everybody is sitting down and I’m not.”
Dude, you could
totally see his birthmark suddenly going neon, and I knew it was not a good
sign. But, instead of blowing up on me, he sent me to the office with
instructions to wait until he showed up after class.
Look, I know I was completely stupid, but it was all a bit too late by then. Then, about half way to the office, I started to think about what was going to happen when word got back to my parents. I was sooo busted.
Stink!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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