Sunny and Dark

Today was sunny. I grew up in Southern California in North San Diego County. The weather there was pretty much always the same. I know it fluctuated a bit between its one and half seasons, but it's typically not very dramatic. The only time you talked about the weather was when the person you were talking to just wasn't all that interesting. "So... nice weather, huh?" And, because there aint too much more to say than that, most uninteresting people simply say, "Yup. It sure is nice." Then there's nothing left to say but, "See you later."

It was always best to be the first one to the nice-weather line. That kind of settled who was who between the two of you. Some times it was best to just start out the conversation, "Hey. How's it going? Nice weather, huh?" I mean, you just knew that person needed to understand where they stood in the relationship. Of course, there were times when the weather jab was set on me. It was a little sobering and caused much introspection. What am I doing with my life. Why am I such a bore?

But such is not the case here in the Northwest. The weather is always a point of conversation. When Jennifer and I first moved up here people were always saying, If you don't like the weather, just wait five minutes. And it was true! The sun would be gloriously shining in the morning and by noon the sky is thick with clouds. And the seasons are distinct here. We've got the cold dreary rain of winter that may turn to snow from time to time. Then the spring comes and brings with it slightly warmer rains. Summer has the best rain of the year because it is a warm rain. And finally fall changes the rain to a bundle up kind of a rain. So we have lots of weather to talk about.

Today was sunny. Bright skies and crisp horizons. It was roll your window down weather and put on a tee shirt weather and dust off the flip flops weather. When someone says, "Nice weather," there is no need to worry about your personality. It's the start of a great conversation.

When I got word that I had cancer, it was a rainy day. The sky seemed to want to cry for me that day. I felt inside how the weather was outside. It was a hard dark day. When I got word that I would have to have a second surgery that was a rainy day also. It seemed appropriate.

Today was sunny. I know I said that already, but sunny days get special attention. It felt right. The doctor was going to remove my stent. When the doc did the second surgery, he put a stent in my ureter tube to keep the kidney flowing properly. Initially it caused a lot of pain. After about three weeks the pain subsided. But then this past week the pain started to ramp up. Every time I got a little too active my kidney would start to ache. A couple times it would get nearly unbearable. I was tempted to call the doctor to see if something was wrong, but then a little rest or a warm bath would bring the pain down and all would get better. Plus, I knew that my stent was getting pulled out today. I could wait.

I was feeling chipper and ready to take on the world this morning. At two o'clock I had an appointment. I went to work and finished a job. Then I went to my supply house and pigged out on pulled pork and rice for a special lunch they were doing. At one o'clock I drove home to get ready for the stent removal. I had mixed feelings. A little apprehensive because it was a scope procedure (see The Next Thing). That part just aint fun. But, I was also excited because that meant the stent would be gone and hopefully that would mean the pain would go with it.

The process for getting into the bladder was just like I had anticipated. I watched it's progress on the screen as the scope made its way up to the bladder. The last time I watched this the scope revealed a large tumor. I half expected to see the same thing again. Instead we saw the stent. Then we saw the excised area where the tumor use to be. Then the doctor said it was time to look around before he pulled the stent out to see how the rest of the bladder was doing.

Back in 1986 there was a movie commercial that was playing on TV for the movie Poltergeist II. If you recall it was a horror movie about ghosts that were haunting this little girl. The commercial showed a scene of a little girl sitting in front of a TV with nothing but static on the TV screen. Then she turns to the camera and says, "They're back."

That was the scene that flashed through my little mind as the scope started to scan the rest of my bladder. Tumors were everywhere. Various sizes. Fourteen in all.

He spent the next fifteen minutes getting a biopsy and then burning the rest of them off. The pain was so intense that I was covered in sweat by the end of the procedure. I don't want to complain, but it was horribly painful. And I was very scared. I wanted to cry, but I didn't then. When it was all over, the nurse said I was very brave. I used to say that to my little children when they went through something hard. I felt like a little guy once again. But I was a brave little guy... until the nurse left the room. Then I cried. Angry and scared and frustrated and hurting.

It's not without hope. I am starting a new treatment in two weeks. My doctor is hoping to kill off the cancer with what is called a BCG wash. It is a six-week long treatment. It may do the trick. Pray it works.

Today was sunny. I would love to just talk about the weather. I wouldn't even mind being the uninteresting person. When Jennifer and I got outside on our way home from the doctor's office, I looked up at the sky. Joyous blue sky. I thought it funny that a day can be sunny and dark.
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