Brave

When we had our second child, Megan, our friend, Marsha Brady bought our son, Matthew a gift. She wanted him to feel special and loved even though there was a lot of attention being given to our new family member. It was a very thoughtful way of her to love our family.

The gift was a brand new VHS movie called The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. I can't tell you how many times we watched that video. But I didn't mind. I have always loved Winnie the Pooh. Many times I'd sit on our couch and one of the kids would snuggle up on my lap and we'd watch the movie together and sing the songs together...

I'm just a little black rain cloud hovering over the Honey Tree. I'm just a little black rain cloud, pay no attention to me...

I loved it. I look forward to one day doing it all over again, only next time it'll be with a little grandchild snuggling on my lap (distant future, mind you!).

There are so many memorable lines in that story, but there is one that particularly sits out in my mind. It's one of Piglet's lines. He was being faced with something that required some pluck- a little bravery for the adventure. He said, "It's hard to be b-b-brave when you're such a small animal." Through out the years when things were daunting, Jennifer and I have quoted that little line from Piglet- stutter included. After all, there are many things in life that have the potential to make us feel small and bravery is hard to muster.

Yesterday was one such day for me. I had my doctor's appointment. I was so excited to be getting my catheter out. I just knew that all would be well after that thing was removed and I could get back to life as I knew it. I knew there would be some challenges, but life is more easily faced without a pee bag strapped to your leg. I kept saying things like, By this time tomorrow I'll be a new man, and By this afternoon I'll be all better. I hated that catheter, and it was a huge relief to finally be freed from it.

After the removal had been accomplished, the doc came in to meet with Jennifer and me. He explained that I have what is called T1-High Grade cancer. T1 is serious, but not too bad. High Grade though is not good. It is an un-organized aggressive cancer. But, the good news was that he thought he had got it all. I knew there was a possibility that a follow up surgery would be needed, but I thought that I could dodge that ball. The ball was not dodged. He said he wanted to take another go at the area where the tumor was removed just to be sure that he got it all. Because this is an aggressive cancer he wants to do a series of treatments to keep the cancer from coming back. Up to thirty percent of the patients with this end up losing their bladder.

My doctor is great and so is my wife, Jennifer. They see so much hope and see that all that this requires is doing the next thing (a recurring theme). All the what-ifs need to be asked and answered, but the important thing is just the next thing... which is another surgery (March 5). I'll do it. I have to. Hopefully I wont come out with another catheter

The news, frankly, required a little pluck. I didn't have it. I felt pretty small and scared. This adventure seemed so big and should be faced by someone who had the right stuff to pull it all off. I had tears... still do.

So I have decided that it is okay to be small today. It's okay to have a hard time with being b-b-brave. It's okay to be a little scared. I gave a talk one time that I titled "God is Bigger". I still have a recording of it some where. In this talk I recognized that there are things that are bigger than us, that scare us, that are just too big for us... but God is bigger.

David, from the Old Testament, knew this truth. Check out what he said in Psalm 61:

Here my cry, O God;
     Listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I cry to You,
     I call as my heart grows faint;
     lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For You have been my refuge,
     a strong tower against the foe.

Isn't that good news to all of us small animals? It is to me. When it's hard to find that pluck, I think I'm going to be okay with it. I'll let the tears run their course. I'll admit that I'm just as little as Piglet. For I know there is a lap I can climb upon and snuggle. He is always there ready to sing the songs with me and be brave for me. With Him taking care of me and my family it is much easier to be brave.